It's been a long time

Ok...so it's been a long time since I've blogged. If anyone is reading this, you are more than likely my Facebook friend too, so you have seen me post pictures. But for those people who look at my blog, I decided to add pictures. In addition to my insides changing, my external appearance has also drastically changed since last year. The top picture was taken Dec 31, 2010. New Years Eve. The one below was taken last week...

The picture below this was taken last weekend as I hiked to the top of Piestwa Peak. (A mountain here in AZ)

And the bottom one was taken a few weeks ago with my kids. Since May 2010 I have lost over 50 lbs. A lot has to do with the lifestyle changes described in previous posts, and a lot has to do with starting to respect myself more. The more happier I feel on the inside the more it reflects on the outside.

Cuz you had a bad day....

Everyone will have bad days, that's a given. For the most part my life these days is great. I have great friends, great kids, a good job, no legal or financial troubles...all in all pretty good. But I still have one thing...me. My head, my stinkin thinkin, my pity pot. Today I am not in a good place in my head. I know that I am working on me and working on things, but I woke up in a funk and can't shake it. I know giving of myself and serving others will usually do the trick, but cannot do that here at work. So for now I am stuck with this bad attitude.
Over the past 5 months I have met a lot of addicts and alcoholics. I have even became friends with a lot of them. As my time in sobriety passes, I hear of people relapsing daily. The desire to drink or use drugs becomes so overwhelming, even the strongest person will fail if they do not use the tools they have been given to fight the demon. It is sad and depressing. To see people get sober and see the light in their lives is an awesome feeling. I want everyone to keep the gift of sobriety that they have been given. Then when I hear of friends, people that I know that I think are gonna make it, relapse...it breaks my heart. It makes me wanna run and help. But being so new myself, I cannot offer much help with out jeopardizing what I have. So I can just love them, and support them and be here when they come back.

When I grow up I wanna be......

Great words heard by children of all ages, "When I grow up I wanna be...." My answer was always the same, a teacher. In all my childhood years, teenage years, and on to adulthood, I have never wavered from this dream. But that's what it always was, a dream. I was given a talent. I am a good teacher. Almost every job I have had for any length of time, I have been made into a trainer. I have a talent to retain information and relay it to others. My longest job has been working at Compass Bank. I was able to train new employees for years there. I loved writing lesson plans, grading, coming in before and after my scheduled time to prepare the agenda for the day. Well recently, I started thinking this does not have to be a dream anymore. My oldest sister Melissa is graduating from law school this month, and she did not give up, and either should I. Around 7 years ago my friend Lindsey was graduating from ASU and was getting her degree in elementary education. I had met Lindsey while waitressing. She was the same age as me. I can vividly remember the tears that ran down my cheek as I was sitting at her graduation as a single Mom with my 3 year old son on my lap. I cried because she was living my dream. She had done it. Completed college and had the degree I so badly wanted. I need to stop dreaming and just do it!

The tounge is mightier than the sword

I hate to admit it, but I have not been very nice. Everyone needs an outlet for their feelings. What I have realized the last couple days is that the outlet that I chose was the wrong one. Part of my dislike for myself was the way that I treated a particular person in my life. It was unfair and unkind. I blamed him for the angry, mad, mean person that I was. I resented the fact that he "allowed" me to treat him badly. Upon reflecting my behavior the last couple of days, months, and years, I now understand that he did not turn me into this monster. It was the way I dealt with situations. It was wrong and I hurt people along the way. Within the 12 steps, step 9 is to "make direct amends to such people" (that we have harmed). I have been dragging my feet on completing the 12 steps. I had not done the first 8 steps thorough enough to be ready to make my amends. I have heard many lectures on the proper way to make amends...it is not simply an "I'm sorry, let's move on"....It is viewed more as restitution..."I have harmed, hurt you in the following ways, what can I do to make it right?" I need the readiness to take consequences for my past and to take responsibility for the well being of others I have hurt through the years. Once I complete this uncomfortable task of righting my wrongs, I will be ready to move on. Take personal inventory and when I am wrong...promptly admit it. Do not sit and stew on behaviors and bad decisions, but correct the situation and attitude as soon as it occurs. In a perfect world, it would be before the problem occurs. While in treatment, I was asked to wear a rubber band on my wrist. This rubber band was to be snapped each and every time I had a bad thought, impulse, or was about to open my mouth and say things that I should not say, i.e. gossip, rumors, unkind words. What a great lesson this was for me! Besides the welts that I had on my wrist, I realized that I had a defect of character that needed correcting. That currently needs correcting. I am sure that there are people that deserve amends from me and deserve to be on my "step 9" that I may miss. I will try to be as thorough and as complete as possible for my peace and happiness depends on being rigorously honest. I have a lot of work to do and I am praying for peace in my heart for myself and others. I will consciencly try to live the "Golden Rule" in my dealings, especially those that I have been mean and nasty to in the past. I may never be forgivin for the pain I caused, all I can go is pray for forgiveness and understanding and clean my side of the street. The rest is up to HIM.

Wonderful time of the year

So...October starts a wonderful time of year. My birthday, Halloween, lots of fall festivals, Christmas, holiday parties, cold weather, 99.9 KEZ continuous Christmas music station, Thanksgiving...You get the idea. Its no wonder this is the most wonderful time of the year. This year is no exception. Things however, will be very different this holiday season. Every year since I can remember Robb goes home to Michigan to celebrate Thanksgiving. I usually go too. However, a few years ago when I changed positions at work I also lost my seniority to get the time off. So last year I was unable to go and this year is no different. So on Saturday Robb and the boys are taking their annual trip to Michigan. Robb's Mom always has a tree up and does "Christmas in November." It has turned into a great tradition for the kids, however, my family misses seeing them. I am lucky that my parents moved to AZ, because last year and this year I get to spend Thanksgiving with my parents, siblings, and nieces and nephews. (last year, no nieces were present, this year I get to spend it with three!) When the kids get home, I will have my tree up and ready to decorate! It is going to be different decorating a small apartment as opposed to my house, but it will be nice. Since moving in August I have not yet been to my new ward. Last night my visiting teachers came over and they actually made me excited to go to my new ward! That is great news for my parents. My oldest brother Ben who lives across the country in Boston will be here Friday, so that will be great seeing him. Okay, thats all for now! Bye....until next time!

Life started over again at 31....

The summer of 2010 started out like any other summer. Ethan out of school. Drew going to daycare, me working at Compass Bank and Robb working at another bank. Then in June my life forever changed. In order to understand what led me to the change, I guess I need to go into a little detail about what my life was like. I had become someone that I did not recoginize in the mirror or even like very much. I had over the years turned to drinking to hide the real problem and pain that I was feeling inside. Every morning I woke up feeling horrible and swearing I will never drink again, then by the time I got off work the obsession was so great, I would end up buying more on the way home. Well something in me snapped on Monday June 21st. I had came home from work and started drinking (nothing new.) However on that particular day I went to bed (passed out) really early (like 7 pm). I woke up at 2 am completely in a fog. I (like many nights) had blacked out and did not remember the time leading up to me falling asleep. Robb was up and angry and was reminding me of things that transpired that evening. At that point, I felt comepletly helpless and alone. I was miserable and knew something had to change. I could not continue living the way that I had been living. My kids deserved better, I deserved better. Out of hope and hurting, I sat on the couch in my living room in the dark and cried. I was sick and tired of feeling so helpless. I got up, got in my car and drove myself to Banner hospital. I proceeded to cry in the parking lot, until I gathered enough nerve to walk into the ER and admit myself. Fast forward to today....After 22 days in an inpatient treatment center, my life today is far away from my life in June. On Sunday I celebrated 4 months of sobriety, freedom from all mind altering substances. I also moved out in August. For years I struggled with my relationship. I questioned my commitment, my love, my reasons for staying, and my happiness. I realized that I deserved to be happy, and found that I wasn't unhappy because I drank, but I was unhappy, therefore I drank. When that unhappiness was still there after I stopped drinking, I made the decision to move out. I had been saying for years that I was going to leave, but never did. In fact months before that night in June, I was searching for a place to move to, but never had the nerve to leave. I have had many ups and downs since this time, and would like to have a record of these things. I feel that although there have been trials, I have grown as a person, and life continues to get better. As for the kids, they are adjusting to the change. They are lucky because they have 2 parents that want the best for them, and Robb and I are very much BOTH a part of their life.

New York City Apartment

New York- Ever since I was a little girl I dreamed of visiting New York City. That dream passed to my oldest son Ethan because the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles lived there. Along came Drew. My youngest son. I do not know where his passion to visit New York came from, but he too dreams of going to New York.
Kids are known to make forts, but this weekend when Drew was creating a fort behind the couch we determined that it was not a fort that he was building, but a "New York City Apartment". His apartment has all the imenities...bed, shower and even a kitchen. The other night he was taking food from the pantry and the fridge over to his apartment. I asked what he was doing and he said he was putting it in his kitchen for breakfast. (I let him keep the non-parishables but drew the line at the cheese and milk.) Two nights ago Drew asked if he could sleep in his apartment. So my oldest who hates sleeping in his room asked if he could sleep in the "apartment" with him. So I said yes. I was sitting on the couch watching TV and I heard Drew tell Ethan, "You can't stay here tomorrow night because my girlfriend is coming over." I about died laughing. He is 3!! What a funny little guy with a huge imagination! When he woke up he got his orange out of his kitchen and sat and started peeling it. Then he took a shower to get ready for work. When we came home yesterday, he told me that it rains a lot in New York.

I am not sure where the New York thing came from, but I am encouraging his imagination. One day me and my boys will fufill our dream and make our trip to NYC, however for the time being we will always have New York in my living room behind the couch to visit.