When I grow up I wanna be......

Great words heard by children of all ages, "When I grow up I wanna be...." My answer was always the same, a teacher. In all my childhood years, teenage years, and on to adulthood, I have never wavered from this dream. But that's what it always was, a dream. I was given a talent. I am a good teacher. Almost every job I have had for any length of time, I have been made into a trainer. I have a talent to retain information and relay it to others. My longest job has been working at Compass Bank. I was able to train new employees for years there. I loved writing lesson plans, grading, coming in before and after my scheduled time to prepare the agenda for the day. Well recently, I started thinking this does not have to be a dream anymore. My oldest sister Melissa is graduating from law school this month, and she did not give up, and either should I. Around 7 years ago my friend Lindsey was graduating from ASU and was getting her degree in elementary education. I had met Lindsey while waitressing. She was the same age as me. I can vividly remember the tears that ran down my cheek as I was sitting at her graduation as a single Mom with my 3 year old son on my lap. I cried because she was living my dream. She had done it. Completed college and had the degree I so badly wanted. I need to stop dreaming and just do it!

The tounge is mightier than the sword

I hate to admit it, but I have not been very nice. Everyone needs an outlet for their feelings. What I have realized the last couple days is that the outlet that I chose was the wrong one. Part of my dislike for myself was the way that I treated a particular person in my life. It was unfair and unkind. I blamed him for the angry, mad, mean person that I was. I resented the fact that he "allowed" me to treat him badly. Upon reflecting my behavior the last couple of days, months, and years, I now understand that he did not turn me into this monster. It was the way I dealt with situations. It was wrong and I hurt people along the way. Within the 12 steps, step 9 is to "make direct amends to such people" (that we have harmed). I have been dragging my feet on completing the 12 steps. I had not done the first 8 steps thorough enough to be ready to make my amends. I have heard many lectures on the proper way to make amends...it is not simply an "I'm sorry, let's move on"....It is viewed more as restitution..."I have harmed, hurt you in the following ways, what can I do to make it right?" I need the readiness to take consequences for my past and to take responsibility for the well being of others I have hurt through the years. Once I complete this uncomfortable task of righting my wrongs, I will be ready to move on. Take personal inventory and when I am wrong...promptly admit it. Do not sit and stew on behaviors and bad decisions, but correct the situation and attitude as soon as it occurs. In a perfect world, it would be before the problem occurs. While in treatment, I was asked to wear a rubber band on my wrist. This rubber band was to be snapped each and every time I had a bad thought, impulse, or was about to open my mouth and say things that I should not say, i.e. gossip, rumors, unkind words. What a great lesson this was for me! Besides the welts that I had on my wrist, I realized that I had a defect of character that needed correcting. That currently needs correcting. I am sure that there are people that deserve amends from me and deserve to be on my "step 9" that I may miss. I will try to be as thorough and as complete as possible for my peace and happiness depends on being rigorously honest. I have a lot of work to do and I am praying for peace in my heart for myself and others. I will consciencly try to live the "Golden Rule" in my dealings, especially those that I have been mean and nasty to in the past. I may never be forgivin for the pain I caused, all I can go is pray for forgiveness and understanding and clean my side of the street. The rest is up to HIM.

Wonderful time of the year

So...October starts a wonderful time of year. My birthday, Halloween, lots of fall festivals, Christmas, holiday parties, cold weather, 99.9 KEZ continuous Christmas music station, Thanksgiving...You get the idea. Its no wonder this is the most wonderful time of the year. This year is no exception. Things however, will be very different this holiday season. Every year since I can remember Robb goes home to Michigan to celebrate Thanksgiving. I usually go too. However, a few years ago when I changed positions at work I also lost my seniority to get the time off. So last year I was unable to go and this year is no different. So on Saturday Robb and the boys are taking their annual trip to Michigan. Robb's Mom always has a tree up and does "Christmas in November." It has turned into a great tradition for the kids, however, my family misses seeing them. I am lucky that my parents moved to AZ, because last year and this year I get to spend Thanksgiving with my parents, siblings, and nieces and nephews. (last year, no nieces were present, this year I get to spend it with three!) When the kids get home, I will have my tree up and ready to decorate! It is going to be different decorating a small apartment as opposed to my house, but it will be nice. Since moving in August I have not yet been to my new ward. Last night my visiting teachers came over and they actually made me excited to go to my new ward! That is great news for my parents. My oldest brother Ben who lives across the country in Boston will be here Friday, so that will be great seeing him. Okay, thats all for now! Bye....until next time!

Life started over again at 31....

The summer of 2010 started out like any other summer. Ethan out of school. Drew going to daycare, me working at Compass Bank and Robb working at another bank. Then in June my life forever changed. In order to understand what led me to the change, I guess I need to go into a little detail about what my life was like. I had become someone that I did not recoginize in the mirror or even like very much. I had over the years turned to drinking to hide the real problem and pain that I was feeling inside. Every morning I woke up feeling horrible and swearing I will never drink again, then by the time I got off work the obsession was so great, I would end up buying more on the way home. Well something in me snapped on Monday June 21st. I had came home from work and started drinking (nothing new.) However on that particular day I went to bed (passed out) really early (like 7 pm). I woke up at 2 am completely in a fog. I (like many nights) had blacked out and did not remember the time leading up to me falling asleep. Robb was up and angry and was reminding me of things that transpired that evening. At that point, I felt comepletly helpless and alone. I was miserable and knew something had to change. I could not continue living the way that I had been living. My kids deserved better, I deserved better. Out of hope and hurting, I sat on the couch in my living room in the dark and cried. I was sick and tired of feeling so helpless. I got up, got in my car and drove myself to Banner hospital. I proceeded to cry in the parking lot, until I gathered enough nerve to walk into the ER and admit myself. Fast forward to today....After 22 days in an inpatient treatment center, my life today is far away from my life in June. On Sunday I celebrated 4 months of sobriety, freedom from all mind altering substances. I also moved out in August. For years I struggled with my relationship. I questioned my commitment, my love, my reasons for staying, and my happiness. I realized that I deserved to be happy, and found that I wasn't unhappy because I drank, but I was unhappy, therefore I drank. When that unhappiness was still there after I stopped drinking, I made the decision to move out. I had been saying for years that I was going to leave, but never did. In fact months before that night in June, I was searching for a place to move to, but never had the nerve to leave. I have had many ups and downs since this time, and would like to have a record of these things. I feel that although there have been trials, I have grown as a person, and life continues to get better. As for the kids, they are adjusting to the change. They are lucky because they have 2 parents that want the best for them, and Robb and I are very much BOTH a part of their life.